There is very little room for nuance on social media like Instagram, you are so right. That's how it was designed!!! I love how you said that it's a store front for communities like this where we get to dive into the nuance so much more and have long face to face conversations.
People forget that. People forget there is an actual human behind a digital presence. People forget that they are adult fucking beings that are autonomous and can filter *everything* they take in on social media. Take what you want, or don't, and leave the rest.
These patterns are happing everywhere, in so many spaces, whether it is about health, birth, politics, identity... social activism of every flavour. And yet we continue to "call out" individuals and groups of people. What I feel is being so missed is that these are not personal or individualized incidents this is a CULTURE that has been created. This is the culture we are living in and it is clearly not working.
The shame, blame, and guilt spiral continues forever and ever with no real goal or direction.
I heard a woman, Africa, speak yesterday and she asked some incredible questions. I'll paraphrase:
Do you we want people to learn and grow from their mistakes? Or do we want to shame and punish them out of existence? Have you ever seen an apology that was sufficient for the mob?
i find your reflection here clear, funny, and nuanced by the matter of your own capacity to see through bullshit. thank you for this piece freya, and your work!
I’ve had two free births , the latest just a week ago. Plus two homebirths and one IOL by choice in hospital . I notice a lot of ideology in the freebirth world . I grew up in a fundy christian home so consequently I am allergic to dogma . Personally I’ve chosen my free births because I feel it’s safer . I’m a midwife and see how much dangerous shit goes on in hospital. Unless I’m expecting a situation beyond my expertise, I don’t trust hospital staff not to ruin a perfectly good birth.
I’ve noticed pretty much all freebirth bloggers approach freebirth from a really belief heavy, dogmatic position, almost religious . For me , it’s simply I feel safer alone at home . For this reason I don’t do wild pregnancy, if my baby possibly needs a paed or surgery at birth , that’s useful info for me to explore . I don’t have any beliefs around “trust “ or the deeper implications/ meaning of technology or anything else free birth bloggers discuss in relation to interventions. I follow a few, but I don’t feel like most of what they say is relevant to me personally as a free birthing woman.
i listened to the voice of their instagram post, and i listened to yours in this response. i can honestly say, instinctively, in my core, your response is the right. they made a vague post, that ironically carried a shaming tone. this wasn't them tagging (transparency) and calling out a specific person who is being accused of a specific thing. it leaves me feeling like someone just wagged their finger at the room. your post is specific, eloquent, firm (in boundaries, in your love for yourself and women), and ultimately the voice of reason. thank you for writing it. your voice is so valuable.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. 👏 It’s such a tricky thing to navigate—because the birth world is changing in directions that seek to exclude women—especially women who value femininity + see the matrix crumbling, and have the audacity to say so. It’s the same with other movements like unschooling or health freedom… They’ve changed the definitions so much, and watered down + poisoned the original intent.
For me, I’m not leaving the birth world—but I’m definitely set far apart from what the modern doula is becoming. ❤️
Yes to this. For me, the key that you bring attention to again and again is radical self-reliance, radical responsibility. If we trust ourselves to the core, then there is no question of shame. When we put trust in others, there is always a chance they will fail us. In a moment like birth, we thrive when we keep all of our trust in our self. Anything that detracts from this is a move to control…..Your post reminded me of reading Nisa: The life and words of a !Kung woman, by Marjorie Shostak, the sequel Return to Nisa, and also The Old Way, by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas. These books touch on the way the !Kung women birth- radical self-responsibility. Stoked to be a reader from here on out…
Really love your perspective on this and very much resonate with what you’ve shared being a newer birth keeper myself. When i saw that post I felt a little punch in the gut but In the end we all want the same thing for women. Thanks for putting what I was feeling so clearly.
I am so immensely grateful to have come across your instagram last winter. There were a few posts that just instantly solidified for me that my second birth would be completely outside of the system (It had only very recently crossed my mind that this was an option- which is still shocking to me as I had been very interested in birth for a few years at this point!)
A woman feeling shame vs inspiration from the content you shared only highlights an unwillingness to look more closely at some narrative they are holding on to.
I guess free birth content is “exploding” but it is still a tiny tiny drop in the bucket of the “normalizing” and neutral birth content out there. I wish with all my heart that it would become widely known as a option.
I wouldn’t call myself a “birth-lebrity”, but I do have a fairly hefty following on an account that started with talking about my journey towards free birth. I didn’t ever think my account would grow, but it did, and quickly, because women (like me) are desperate for alternatives to what we are currently offered. Over and over again I see Indie Birth put more energy into shaming and putting down free birth, the women who free birth, and the women who talk about free birth than they do actually helping women to feel like they have options available.
I appreciate your response here. We can all take responsibility for transparency, but frankly, I see this company as becoming a bully (and I will say, I rarely use this word so I’m intentional when I say this) to not only other birth workers, but to the women they are claiming to help. Instead of using slander against others to promote their midwifery program, they could just spend time talking about the positive aspects of what they offer 🤷🏻♀️
Truly, indie birth is one of the only accounts I’ve seen of their size and influence that genuinely craps on the individual choices of women.
Thank you Freya for your reflections. As a fellow former birth nut—who has temporarily dipped out of that scene—it's so wild to look back and review the politics, the spectacle, and the arena, from afar. I have personally experienced vey few women (if any) operating from a place of integrity in that space—and we can all calculate the many reasons why.
IndieBirth is no exception and I was shocked to receive some of the messages that I did from them after calling out Free Birth Society in January. Are women so deeply damaged by patriarchy, tyranny, and their own unresolved traumas that they are unconsciously power-grabbing and "punching sideways"? Positioning themselves are authority figures while telling women not to obey authority? Getting louder and more unhinged while casting logical, conscious, spiritual, and compassionate thought aside?
The plebs squabble and step over one another, meanwhile there is a strange silence that falls over them when it comes to calling out organizations and individuals of power who are directly harming and traumatizing their communities—especially when those organizations/individuals are women. I have theorize that a Motherwound is behind this behavior, but that is for another time.
Anyhow, I've rambled enough. I look forward to the era in which this colossal mess has alchemized into authentic, women-centered, community-based care that is supported by the deep internal work that needs to occur within each of us.
I have been following the Free Birth Movement for many years. I got into it when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter who is just turning 4. I was on the og facebook group and felt a little attacked and judged for being with midwives at the time. Ive also noticed and felt judgement for women who choose to work with medical practitioners in their sovereignty. As if this is not possible. Thanks to the freebirth ideology, I had built a beautiful relationship with my midwife who respected all my choices in my second birth at home, no vaginal exams, no monitoring, no managed third stage. It was beautiful.
I am pregnant now with my third and I had to dive deep to make my decision about a wild pregnancy and freebirth. I do feel there is this hype about it now and (within the small culture) judgement of women who still choose medical help. I think their conversations are changing though, as I have noticed more softness and openness on the podcast. I had to clear my mind about what was truly important for me and what was the motivation behind my decisions.
Women are adults who can think for themselves!!!
I have also chosen to get coaching from someone who has many years of midwifery experience and supports freebirth. This feels safest for me.
I love that you see and respect the middle way and also acknowledge your truth of being more radical. We need radicals and boundary pushers. I'm right there with you!
In the last two years especially, I've found social media to be a place where so many people want to go to let out all theirs frustrations on others, constantly critique others, cancel, shame, etc. I miss the days when we all just posted things that were important to us, followed things that we enjoyed seeing, and just didn't follow things that were not aligned with us. It makes me sad sometimes to see people attacking those that simply want to do things more naturally and ancestrally, as if we are somehow crazy or dangerous for that. Glad we have spaces like this that are judgement free where we can learn, share and grow. xo
I’ll also say that the “ birth- lebrity” is directly connected to the whole “ social media entrepreneur passive income manifest wealth money is energy” thing . People want to make money from their content and that drives posting a lot of content for clicks and popularity.
Thank you thank you.
There is very little room for nuance on social media like Instagram, you are so right. That's how it was designed!!! I love how you said that it's a store front for communities like this where we get to dive into the nuance so much more and have long face to face conversations.
People forget that. People forget there is an actual human behind a digital presence. People forget that they are adult fucking beings that are autonomous and can filter *everything* they take in on social media. Take what you want, or don't, and leave the rest.
These patterns are happing everywhere, in so many spaces, whether it is about health, birth, politics, identity... social activism of every flavour. And yet we continue to "call out" individuals and groups of people. What I feel is being so missed is that these are not personal or individualized incidents this is a CULTURE that has been created. This is the culture we are living in and it is clearly not working.
The shame, blame, and guilt spiral continues forever and ever with no real goal or direction.
I heard a woman, Africa, speak yesterday and she asked some incredible questions. I'll paraphrase:
Do you we want people to learn and grow from their mistakes? Or do we want to shame and punish them out of existence? Have you ever seen an apology that was sufficient for the mob?
i find your reflection here clear, funny, and nuanced by the matter of your own capacity to see through bullshit. thank you for this piece freya, and your work!
I’ve had two free births , the latest just a week ago. Plus two homebirths and one IOL by choice in hospital . I notice a lot of ideology in the freebirth world . I grew up in a fundy christian home so consequently I am allergic to dogma . Personally I’ve chosen my free births because I feel it’s safer . I’m a midwife and see how much dangerous shit goes on in hospital. Unless I’m expecting a situation beyond my expertise, I don’t trust hospital staff not to ruin a perfectly good birth.
I’ve noticed pretty much all freebirth bloggers approach freebirth from a really belief heavy, dogmatic position, almost religious . For me , it’s simply I feel safer alone at home . For this reason I don’t do wild pregnancy, if my baby possibly needs a paed or surgery at birth , that’s useful info for me to explore . I don’t have any beliefs around “trust “ or the deeper implications/ meaning of technology or anything else free birth bloggers discuss in relation to interventions. I follow a few, but I don’t feel like most of what they say is relevant to me personally as a free birthing woman.
i listened to the voice of their instagram post, and i listened to yours in this response. i can honestly say, instinctively, in my core, your response is the right. they made a vague post, that ironically carried a shaming tone. this wasn't them tagging (transparency) and calling out a specific person who is being accused of a specific thing. it leaves me feeling like someone just wagged their finger at the room. your post is specific, eloquent, firm (in boundaries, in your love for yourself and women), and ultimately the voice of reason. thank you for writing it. your voice is so valuable.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. 👏 It’s such a tricky thing to navigate—because the birth world is changing in directions that seek to exclude women—especially women who value femininity + see the matrix crumbling, and have the audacity to say so. It’s the same with other movements like unschooling or health freedom… They’ve changed the definitions so much, and watered down + poisoned the original intent.
For me, I’m not leaving the birth world—but I’m definitely set far apart from what the modern doula is becoming. ❤️
Yes to this. For me, the key that you bring attention to again and again is radical self-reliance, radical responsibility. If we trust ourselves to the core, then there is no question of shame. When we put trust in others, there is always a chance they will fail us. In a moment like birth, we thrive when we keep all of our trust in our self. Anything that detracts from this is a move to control…..Your post reminded me of reading Nisa: The life and words of a !Kung woman, by Marjorie Shostak, the sequel Return to Nisa, and also The Old Way, by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas. These books touch on the way the !Kung women birth- radical self-responsibility. Stoked to be a reader from here on out…
"But we are all in different places, with different lenses, none is better or worse." <---- THIS
Really love your perspective on this and very much resonate with what you’ve shared being a newer birth keeper myself. When i saw that post I felt a little punch in the gut but In the end we all want the same thing for women. Thanks for putting what I was feeling so clearly.
Fuck it! Sovereignty matters more than the pleasantries of safety!! What does safety mean without autonomy and confidence!!
I am so immensely grateful to have come across your instagram last winter. There were a few posts that just instantly solidified for me that my second birth would be completely outside of the system (It had only very recently crossed my mind that this was an option- which is still shocking to me as I had been very interested in birth for a few years at this point!)
A woman feeling shame vs inspiration from the content you shared only highlights an unwillingness to look more closely at some narrative they are holding on to.
I guess free birth content is “exploding” but it is still a tiny tiny drop in the bucket of the “normalizing” and neutral birth content out there. I wish with all my heart that it would become widely known as a option.
I wouldn’t call myself a “birth-lebrity”, but I do have a fairly hefty following on an account that started with talking about my journey towards free birth. I didn’t ever think my account would grow, but it did, and quickly, because women (like me) are desperate for alternatives to what we are currently offered. Over and over again I see Indie Birth put more energy into shaming and putting down free birth, the women who free birth, and the women who talk about free birth than they do actually helping women to feel like they have options available.
I appreciate your response here. We can all take responsibility for transparency, but frankly, I see this company as becoming a bully (and I will say, I rarely use this word so I’m intentional when I say this) to not only other birth workers, but to the women they are claiming to help. Instead of using slander against others to promote their midwifery program, they could just spend time talking about the positive aspects of what they offer 🤷🏻♀️
Truly, indie birth is one of the only accounts I’ve seen of their size and influence that genuinely craps on the individual choices of women.
Thank you Freya for your reflections. As a fellow former birth nut—who has temporarily dipped out of that scene—it's so wild to look back and review the politics, the spectacle, and the arena, from afar. I have personally experienced vey few women (if any) operating from a place of integrity in that space—and we can all calculate the many reasons why.
IndieBirth is no exception and I was shocked to receive some of the messages that I did from them after calling out Free Birth Society in January. Are women so deeply damaged by patriarchy, tyranny, and their own unresolved traumas that they are unconsciously power-grabbing and "punching sideways"? Positioning themselves are authority figures while telling women not to obey authority? Getting louder and more unhinged while casting logical, conscious, spiritual, and compassionate thought aside?
The plebs squabble and step over one another, meanwhile there is a strange silence that falls over them when it comes to calling out organizations and individuals of power who are directly harming and traumatizing their communities—especially when those organizations/individuals are women. I have theorize that a Motherwound is behind this behavior, but that is for another time.
Anyhow, I've rambled enough. I look forward to the era in which this colossal mess has alchemized into authentic, women-centered, community-based care that is supported by the deep internal work that needs to occur within each of us.
I really appreciate your refreshing perspective.
I have been following the Free Birth Movement for many years. I got into it when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter who is just turning 4. I was on the og facebook group and felt a little attacked and judged for being with midwives at the time. Ive also noticed and felt judgement for women who choose to work with medical practitioners in their sovereignty. As if this is not possible. Thanks to the freebirth ideology, I had built a beautiful relationship with my midwife who respected all my choices in my second birth at home, no vaginal exams, no monitoring, no managed third stage. It was beautiful.
I am pregnant now with my third and I had to dive deep to make my decision about a wild pregnancy and freebirth. I do feel there is this hype about it now and (within the small culture) judgement of women who still choose medical help. I think their conversations are changing though, as I have noticed more softness and openness on the podcast. I had to clear my mind about what was truly important for me and what was the motivation behind my decisions.
Women are adults who can think for themselves!!!
I have also chosen to get coaching from someone who has many years of midwifery experience and supports freebirth. This feels safest for me.
I love that you see and respect the middle way and also acknowledge your truth of being more radical. We need radicals and boundary pushers. I'm right there with you!
Love your work and honesty Freya, keep going! <3
Avani
Ah I adore your clarity and soft, tender ferocity! Really insightful for me thank you xo
In the last two years especially, I've found social media to be a place where so many people want to go to let out all theirs frustrations on others, constantly critique others, cancel, shame, etc. I miss the days when we all just posted things that were important to us, followed things that we enjoyed seeing, and just didn't follow things that were not aligned with us. It makes me sad sometimes to see people attacking those that simply want to do things more naturally and ancestrally, as if we are somehow crazy or dangerous for that. Glad we have spaces like this that are judgement free where we can learn, share and grow. xo
I’ll also say that the “ birth- lebrity” is directly connected to the whole “ social media entrepreneur passive income manifest wealth money is energy” thing . People want to make money from their content and that drives posting a lot of content for clicks and popularity.